D is for Demons and Daffodils

 

 

                                                              Demons and Daffodils

             I did all the normal things. Grew up. Got married. Had three beautiful babies. Two of them are in the next room. I don’t know where Jeremy is.

            Poor Jeremy. Unlike my generally uneventful life, his life has been filled with drama. Most of it came out of his own head, like Athena. Full-blown but his were not beautiful. I miss him. The little boy he was. And even the young teen he became.

            My memories are clearer today than they have been in a while. Drugs do that to me. They mask most of the pain, but they also blur my mind. I think that must be what they do for him. Maybe he needs the loss of both – the pain and his mind.

            The last time I saw him, he tried to explain. He talked about demons roaring in his head, not like lions, but like monster trucks. I don’t know what that sounds like.

My sounds are little ones like insects, crickets. The doctors have a name for mine. Tinnitus. Most of the time, I can ignore it or cover it with the fan.

Jeremy talked about pain, too. Not physical pain like mine, but the pain in his chest when the demons squeeze his heart until he can’t stand it. And make it hard for him to breathe.

Shae, my daughter, my baby, tried to find him so he could be here. Everyone wanted him here, even my eldest. Teddy’s like his father, a big cheerful man. He takes adversity when it happens, moves through it as best he can, then finds something interesting to jump into next. A new job, a new marriage, sometimes something as simple as a new way to the store when the old road is blocked. In that way he’s more like me.

Ted and Shae are both fixers. If there’s a problem, they can’t rest until they find a solution. I think that’s why this whole experience has been so difficult for them. It’s taken them a long time to accept what’s happening to me. They use words like fight and overcome and survive. For a while it seemed like I spent too much time fighting them. Trying to get them to see that I just simply would not survive this.

I wanted to outlive Jeremy’s demons and wait until he could be here. 

I thought I would wait for the daffodils, but we’ve had a long winter and it snowed yesterday.

My kind husband brought me flowers today. And I’m glad I don’t have to wait anymore.